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10 Tips to Stop a Client in Denial from Derailing their
Case
When your family law client is denying the reality of their situation, use these
strategies to help keep the process – and your client – on track.
December 13, 2021
By Elisa Reiter, Family Lawyer, and Daniel Pollack, Professor and Litigation
Consultant
Denial is a natural human coping mechanism. When faced with dysfunctional families,
divorce, or custody disputes, sometimes litigants react with laser focus, face their
impending lifestyle changes, and get organized. Others simply engage in denial as
though the dilemma underlying the case is not real. How can denial impact a family law
matter?
In a recent article in The Guardian, Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk’s work in The Body Keeps
the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (Penguin Publishing Group,
2015) was summarized as follows:
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“His thesis centers on trauma: the urgent work of the brain after a traumatic event is to
suppress it, through forgetting or self-blame, to avoid being ostracized. But the body
does not forget; physiological changes result, a ‘recalibration of the brain’s alarm
system, an increase in stress hormones, an alteration in the system that filters relevant
information from irrelevant’, as he says in his book. The stress is stored in the muscles
and does not dissipate. This has profound ramifications for talking therapies and their
limits: the rational mind cannot do the repair work on its own, since that part of you is
pretending it has already been repaired.”
How Should a Family Lawyer Deal with a Client in
Denial?
What is divorce, and the associated litigation, if not traumatic? How to best deal with
those parties who remain in denial of impending lifestyle changes? Lifestyle changes
that impact the family dynamic can be stressful, and lawyers, social workers,
psychologists, and other professionals need to be mindful of the impact of stress on the
participants. In the Guardian interview, Dr. Van Der Kolk is quoted as saying:
“We define ‘trauma’ as an event outside the normal human veins of experience… At
least one-third of couples, globally, engage in physical violence. The number of kids
who get abused and abandoned is just staggering. Domestic violence, staggering.”
Denial and Attachment Theory
Van Der Kolk’s work relies in part on attachment theory. In “A Quick Guide to
Attachment Theory,” Professor David Shemmings elucidates:
Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby, a British psychologist, partly as a
result of the experience of hundreds of thousands of children during the second world
war who were separated from their parents and evacuated to safer areas of the UK. His
work on the importance of parent-infant bonds revolutionised childcare around the
world… An attachment is a precise term: the notion of a safe haven which, when
available, becomes a secure base from which to explore the world around us. Then
when we are separated from our secure base we become anxious and quickly seek
proximity.
10 Strategies to Help Coax Your Client in Denial Back to Reality
What can attorneys do to pull clients back to reality who are stymied by denial or loss of
significant attachments?
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1. Be polite. Sometimes it takes folks some time to accept reality. Give the client
some time and room to adjust.
2. Focus on family. Particularly where children are involved, the client needs to
focus on the best interest of those children, and –to the extent possible – on
having a solid working relationship with the other parent. Even if the marriage is
being dissolved, the participants will often remain connected by their children.
3. Ascertain if there are interpersonal connections outside of the immediate
family unit who can assist the client. Where can clients feel as though they
belong, even as their marital relationship is dissolving?
4. Encourage the client to be a proactive optimist. There is a difference between
being engaged in the process and taking steps to enhance the chances of
success, versus being passive and simply hoping that things will turn out
favorably.
5. Reframe. Can the litigation be turned into a learning and growing experience?
6. Forgive. Typically, the dissolution of a marriage is not about one big thing, but
many small things. Can you help the client find room to forgive reprehensible
conduct when appropriate?
7. Self-care and self-help are essential. The client must take steps to take care of
themselves and their children.
8. Read. Knowledge is power. Have a reading list handy to assist the client to
engage in self-help.
9. Refer. Some cases warrant referring the client to a mental health professional so
that the client can work through issues, including depression, substance abuse,
or other issues. Have a network in your community to facilitate such referrals.
10. Coach. Each person needs to find the inner strength to self-motivate, even in
difficult circumstances, such as protracted litigation.
What can the parties agree on? What can motivate them to settle their differences?
Each case presents new challenges. As Jim Butcher wrote in Turn Coat (Roc,
2009): “The human mind isn’t a terribly logical or consistent place. Most people, given
the choice to face a hideous or terrifying truth or to conveniently avoid it, choose the
convenience and peace of normality. That doesn’t make them strong or weak people, or
good or bad people. It just makes them people.”
Keeping Your Client on Track
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Attorneys, mental health professionals, mediators, and judges should employ sensitivity
in their work. Greek orator and statesman Demosthenes said, “Clouds cannot cover
secret places, nor denials conceal truth.” Denial is a natural impulse that can shut down
litigation, but there are many ways to assure that the process – and the people caught
up in the process – stays on track.
Elisa Reiter (JD, BA) is a Senior Attorney at Underwood Perkins, P.C. Board Certified in
Family Law and Child Welfare Law by the Texas Board of Legal Specialization, Elisa
graduated from SMU School of Law at the age of 22, later returning to teach family
law. www.uplawtx.com
Daniel Pollack (MSW, JD) is a Professor at Yeshiva University’s School of Social Work
in New York. Professor Pollack has served as an expert witness for lawyers in more
than 30 states, and he has also provided litigation support to many
attorneys. www.yu.edu/faculty/pages/pollack-daniel