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REGRETTING PARENTHOOD
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Perceptions of Parenting Among Parents who Regret Having a Child: A Mixed-Methods
Study
Konrad Piotrowski1, Luzelle Naude2, Katarzyna Sanna1, Beata Szramka-Pawlak1, Karolina
Kwarcińska1, Michalina Dzielińska1
1 Center for Research on Personality Development, SWPS University, Poznań, Poland
2 Department of Psychology, University of the Free State, Bloemfontein, South Africa
This is an original manuscript of an article published by Taylor & Francis in Journal of Family
Studies on 7/31/2023, available at: https://doi.org/10.1080/13229400.2023.2241520
Correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to: Konrad Piotrowski, SWPS
University of Social Sciences and Humanities, Kutrzeby Street 10, 61-719 Poznań, Poland
e-mail: konrad.piotrowski@swps.edu.pl
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Abstract
Regretting the decision to have a child is an area of research that is rarely explored by
researchers and thus remains largely unknown. In the present study, a mixed methodology was
used to compare the situation of parents who regretted the decision to have a child (n = 24, 62%
of women, age M = 33.42, SD = 4.89) with parents who thought the decision was a good one
(n = 35, 51% of women, M = 34.71, SD = 4.43). Parents participated in an in-depth interview
about their experiences from before having a child, from the pregnancy and postpartum period,
and from the current period. In addition, questionnaires were administered to measure severity
of childhood trauma, symptoms of mental health difficulties, and basic personality traits from
the Big Five model. The study clearly revealed differences between parents from both groups.
Regretting parents experienced more severe childhood abuse and neglect, had more mental
health problems, and were less Agreeable. Interview data suggest variations in the perceptions
of parenting and parental experiences of regretting and non-regretting parents at different stages
of the transition to parenthood (before having a child, during pregnancy and postpartum, and
later). Analysis of the relationships between interview and questionnaire data showed that the
trends revealed in the interviews were related to childhood maltreatment and mental health, and
to a lesser extent to personality traits.
Key words: regretting parenthood, childhood trauma, personality, interview, mixed study,
mental health
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Introduction
Although most people have or would like to have at least one child in their life (Gallup,
2013; Miettinen & Szalma, 2014), it is found that some parents begin to regret this decision
after some time (Donath, 2015). Regretting parenthood is, unfortunately, an issue almost
completely overlooked by researchers. However, as shown by public opinion polls (YouGov,
2016, 2021) and a small number of academic studies (Piotrowski, 2021), in developed countries
up to 7-13% of parents may be raising their children with the feeling that a different decision
would have been better made in the past. Although the consequences of regretting parenthood
can seriously disrupt the development of a parent and their children (East et al., 2012), our
knowledge of this phenomenon is still very limited. To date, only a few studies have been
devoted to this issue, and the conclusions that can be drawn from them are still sparse. In the
present study, it was decided to use a mixed methodology for the first time in order to better
understand how regretting parents perceive their parenting, how their perception differs from
non-regretting parents, and what role traumatic childhood experiences, mental health, and
personality traits play in regretting parenthood.
Regretting the decision to parent
Regret is a self-conscious emotion that arises when a person judges his or her past
decisions as wrong and believes that his or her current life would be better if he or she had
decided differently in the past (Zeelenberg, 1999). Current knowledge about how regretting
parents perceive their situation is mainly derived from qualitative research. The first researcher
to address the topic of regretting parenting was Donath (2015), who conducted in-depth
interviews with 23 regretting mothers from Israel. Despite the small scale of this study, Donath
observed several important recurring themes in the mothers' narratives. The regretting mothers
emphasized that they already had doubts about whether they wanted to be mothers before
having children, and many of them explicitly stated that they did not want to have children at
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all. Their decision to have children was often the result of strong pressure from family and a
desire to fit in with the majority, rather than an internal need to have a child. This resulted in
low identification with parenthood and the belief that women had lost their true identity because
of having a child. A limitation of this study, however, is that it did not include the perspective
of non-regretting parents, so it is unclear to what extent the mechanisms described are specific
to regretting parents. In another qualitative study, Matley (2020) analyzed posts on online
forums (Mumsnet) observing that regretting mothers from the UK also described parenting as
a role that did not fit them, did not allow for self-actualization, and caused a loss of identity.
Regretting mothers described a large discrepancy between their current and ideal self, and
negatively evaluated their current lives, while speaking very positively about life in the "before
baby" era. Finally, Moore and Abetz (2019) analyzed posts by (mostly American) regretting
parents on Reddit finding that parents may experience two types of regret: related to the
consequences of having children (e.g., loss of freedom) or related to having children themselves
(e.g., wanting to be childless). The authors also distinguished four categories of factors that
parents themselves said led them to regret: 1) having difficult children that they cannot accept,
2) judging themselves as bad parents, 3) hating parenthood because of what had to be sacrificed,
and 4) wanting to be childless that was not realized because of an unplanned pregnancy.
The aforementioned qualitative studies (Donath, 2015; Matley, 2020; Moore & Abetz,
2019) have been focused on analyzing how regretting mothers see their own situation (the
fathers' perspective has been previously overlooked by qualitative researchers). In contrast,
several quantitative studies have been devoted to exploring the correlates of parenting regret,
including its potential determinants and effects. East et al. (2012) conducted a longitudinal
study with at-risk adolescent mothers that began in the third trimester of pregnancy and
continued until 12 months postpartum. While only 5% of respondents said they definitely did
not want a child during pregnancy, one year after delivery, 33% of teens already regretted
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becoming mothers. Regretting the decision to parent was reciprocally related to parental stress,
such that regretting pregnancy led to higher stress 6 months after delivery, which in turn
increased the severity of parenting regret in the following months. The authors also noted that
poorer maternal mental health during pregnancy (including symptoms of depression and
anxiety) led to stronger parenting regret after birth, and that regretful parenting correlated with
more harsh parenting. The largest quantitative study to date on parenting regret was conducted
by Piotrowski (2021), who analyzed the prevalence and correlates of this phenomenon in
Poland using two representative samples of parents in emerging and early adulthood. First,
Piotrowski observed that parental decision regret may affect up to 13% of parents in Poland
and is equally prevalent among women and men, and second, that regretting parents differ from
non-regretting parents in several ways: they are characterized by poorer mental health, higher
maladaptive perfectionism, are more likely to have a history of childhood abuse and trauma,
experience severe parental burnout, have an unstable sense of parental identity, and identify
poorly with their parental role. Thus, quantitative research by East et al. (2012) and Piotrowski
(2021) suggests that regretting parents experience difficulties on multiple levels: personality,
emotional, and social, as also observed by qualitative researchers analyzing regretting parents'
narratives about their lives (Donath, 2015, Matley, 2020, Moore & Abetz, 2019). The study
presented here is the first in which both of these perspectives, quantitative and qualitative, have
been combined to fill the gaps that still exist in our knowledge of regretting parenthood.
Research Problem
To date, no qualitative studies have compared how regretting and non-regretting parents
describe their lives and how they perceive parenting. Therefore, one of the aims of our study
was to gain an understanding of regretting and non-regretting parents’ perceptions of parenting
and their parenting experiences at different stages of the role: before having a child, during
pregnancy, during the first period after the child's birth, and their current parenting experiences.
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The aim was to gain in-depth information about the process of transition to parenthood and to
assess whether the findings from previous qualitative research (indicating, among other things,
that regretting parents often made the decision to parent under pressure and that they often
considered childlessness; Donath, 2015) are specific to regretful parents or whether they are
also the experiences of non-regretful parents. Given previous knowledge about regretting
parenthood, it was predicted that regretting parents would have a more negative view of
parenthood and that they would be more likely to point to extrinsic motivation or accident as
reasons for becoming a parent, and that they would evaluate the pregnancy period and transition
to parenthood less favorably and speak more negatively about current experiences.
Piotrowski (2021) showed that regretting parents are more likely to have a history of
childhood trauma and abuse and suggested that perhaps because of this, regretting parents have
a more negative view of parenting, which hinders their process of adapting to parenthood. This
is consistent with the observations of Donath (2015), who found that some regretting mothers
already had doubts before pregnancy about whether having a child was a good idea, and many
did not like children and did not see themselves in a parenting role. In the present study, it was
predicted that negative childhood experiences may be responsible for this, contributing to a
more negative or anxiety-ridden image of parenting (Steele et al., 2016), thus making it difficult
to build a stable parental identity (Piotrowski, 2018) and may lead to parenting regret.
Another goal of the present study was to assess how parenting perceptions and parenting
experiences of regretting and non-regretting parents are related to their mental health. Previous
quantitative studies have shown that regretting mothers have poorer mental health (East et al.,
2012, Piotrowski, 2021), but have not analyzed how mental health is related to their perceptions
of their own parenting. In the study presented here, it was predicted that the more severe the
difficulties, the more negative their perceptions of parenting would be (Parfitt & Ayers, 2014).
Confirmation of this hypothesis could suggest that mental health difficulties may be an early
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risk factor, increasing the likelihood of regretting parenthood in the future or that regretting
parenthood exacerbates the psychological difficulties experienced by parents. In light of the
results of East et al. (2012), both directions of the relationship are likely.
Finally, the few studies on parenting regret to date have largely focused on its psycho-
and sociopathological correlates (perfectionism, depression, violence, etc.), so that the role of
basic personality traits in determining the risk of parenting regret has not been analyzed at all.
Meanwhile, parenting research shows that individuals with such expressions of mature
personality as low neuroticism and high agreeableness, conscientiousness, and extraversion are
less likely to experience parenting stress and parenting burnout (Vigouroux et al., 2017;
Vermaes et al., 2008), which may be a protective factor reducing the risk of parenting regret.
On the other hand, high openness to experience is associated with lower overall motivation to
have children (van Scheppingen et al., 2016), which may be a risk factor especially if a parent
with high openness makes the decision under pressure or becomes a parent as a result of an
unplanned pregnancy without feeling ready to do so. Consistent with previous knowledge about
the role of personality traits for parental role performance, it was predicted that regretting
parents would be characterized by higher neuroticism and lower agreeableness,
conscientiousness, and extraversion. It also did not rule out the possibility that regretting parents
might be characterized by higher openness to experience, which might lead to more negative
perceptions of parenting.
Methods
Participants and Procedure
For the study, we recruited parents who had only one child no older than 6 years and
were in a relationship with the child's other parent (the couple had not separated). This made it
possible to focus on the parenting experience associated with a particular child and on the
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transition to parenthood that had occurred relatively recently (having second and subsequent
children, as well as separation from a partner, may increase the stresses to which a parent is
subject and thus introduce further conditions that are difficult to control for in the small samples
that are studied in qualitative research; for this reason, a more homogeneous sample was
chosen). Participants were recruited through a survey posted on social media, mainly on
parenting forums, and through a paid campaign on a popular social networking site. The survey
was advertised as a parenting research project. The survey included questions about gender, age
of parent, number and age of children, romantic relationship status, etc. The survey also
included a screening question: If you could go back in time and make the decision one more
time, would you decide once again to become a parent? Candidates for the project could choose
one of three responses: 1) Yes/mostly yes, 2) I'm not sure, it's a difficult decision, 3) No, I would
choose a life without children. Individuals selecting the middle answer were excluded, while
those selecting answer 1 or 3 were recruited until a presumed number of approximately 30
individuals in each group was reached (the size was determined based on standards in
qualitative research and a strength of effect analysis using the G*Power software; the total
number of individuals allowed for the observation of medium and strong effects). Participants
were paid PLN 300 (approximately 65 Euro) for their participation in the study. The study was
approved by the Departmental Ethics Committee at [blinded].
A total of 59 parents (33 women and 26 men) were included in the study, including 24
parents who regretted their decision to parent (15 women, 9 men) and 35 parents who did not
regret their decision to parent (18 women and 17 men). Initially, 65 people were included, but
6 people were excluded from the analysis because during the interview it turned out that they
did not meet some of the inclusion criteria. The characteristics of the two groups, regretting and
non-regretting parents, are shown in Table 1. The participants were well educated (the vast
majority had a college degree), most were married, and their financial situation was fairly good
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(there was only one person in the sample who stated that he or she had severe financial
problems). Parents ranged in age from 24 to 47 years (M = 34.19, SD = 4.63), and their children
ranged in age from five months to 6 years (M = 3.08, SD = 1.41). Each participant was in a
relationship with the child's other parent, and the duration of their relationship ranged from 3
to 20 years (M = 9.72, SD = 3.85).
Table 1 here
Data collection
Qualitative method
Parental experiences. To explore subjective perceptions of parenting and parenting
experiences, each participant took part in an approximately 40-50 minute semi-structured in-
depth interview that was created for the study (see Supplementary Materials 1). The interview
was designed to explore: (1) the parents' situation when they did not yet have children (e.g.,
what made them decide to have a child, how they imagined parenthood when they did not yet
have children, whether they ever seriously considered childlessness), (2) their experiences
during pregnancy and the first weeks of parenthood (e.g., how they recall the pregnancy period,
how they recall the first weeks after coming home with the child), (3) the parents' current
situation (e.g., what is the difference between how they imagined parenting before the child
was born and how they see it now, what are the biggest challenges and greatest pleasures of
being a parent, how can they describe themselves as a parent, have experiences with their own
parents influenced what kind of parents they are now).
After being interviewed, study participants proceeded to answer the questionnaires. All
interviews and questionnaires were completed online due to the constraints of the Covid-19
pandemic. Interviews were recorded and verbatim transcripts were prepared and used in the
analysis of results.
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Quantitative methods
Traumatic experiences in childhood. A shortened version of the Childhood Trauma
Questionnaire was used to measure the severity of childhood trauma related to abuse and
neglect (Bernstein et al., 2003, Murzyn, 2012). The scale consists of 25 items and measures the
severity of various forms of abuse by relatives during childhood: Emotional abuse (5 items, e.g.
People in my family called me things like “stupid”, “lazy”, or “ugly), Physical abuse (5 items,
e.g. People in my family hit me so hard that it left me with bruises or marks), Sexual abuse (5
items, e.g. Someone tried to touch me in a sexual way or tried to make me touch them),
Emotional neglect (5 items, e.g. I felt loved, reverse), Physical neglect (5 items, e.g. My parents
were too drunk or high to take care of the family). The Cronbach's alpha of the individual
indicators was .84, .91, .97, .91, .28, respectively. Due to the very low reliability of the Physical
neglect subscale, it was removed from the analysis.
Mental health difficulties. Mental health was examined using the Symptom Checklist-27-plus
Questionnaire (Hardt, 2008, Kuncewicz et al., 2014). The questionnaire consists of 25 items
forming five subscales that indicate symptom severity: depression (5 items, e.g. hopelessness),
vegetative problems (5 items, e.g. heart pounding), agoraphobia (4 items, e.g. fear of leaving
the house alone), social phobia (5 items, e.g. fear of saying something embarrassing) and pain
(6 items, e.g. headache). Participants rated the frequency of experiencing specific difficulties
on a Likert scale ranging from 0-never, to 4-very often. Cronbach's alpha of the subscales was
.91, .75, .74, .85, .70, respectively.
Basic personality traits. The level of the Big Five traits was measured using the International
Personality Item Pool-Big Five Markers-20 (IPIP-BFM-20; Topolewska, Skimina, Strus,
Cieciuch, & Rowinski, 2014), which is a short version of the IPIP-BFM-50 (Donnellan et al.,
2006). The questionnaire consists of 20 items, 4 items for each scale: extraversion (e.g. Am the
life of the party), agreeableness (e.g. Feel little concern for others), conscientiousness (e.g
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Leave my belongings around), emotional stability (opposite of neuroticism, e.g. Am relaxed
most of the time), Intellect/Imagination (openness to experience, e.g. Have a vivid imagination).
The reliability of the subscales was .82, .75, .78, .73, .71, respectively.
Analysis
For questionnaire data (severity of childhood traumatic events, mental health problems,
personality traits), Pearson's r coefficient was used to analyze the correlation between
quantitative variables. Next, the two groups of parents (regretting and non-regretting) were
compared using Multivariate Analysis of Variance (MANOVA).
The interview data were analyzed according to a content analysis approach that allows
for the reduction of broad statements into smaller categories to facilitate analysis (Hsieh &
Shannon, 2005). In the first step, Coder 1 read ten randomly selected interviews and prepared
a codebook with categories and descriptors / indicators. For some of the categories, binary
indicators were created, (e.g., each participant received a 0 if that response category was not
mentioned by him or her and a 1 if the category was indicated). For other categories, more than
two indicators were used (e.g., 0 when a participant’s responses in a particular category were
only negative, 1 when the participant responded in a mixed way, i.e., partly positive and partly
negative, and 2 when the participant responded only positively). In the latter case, categories
were created in the form of variables measured on a Likert-like scale to be used in the analysis.
Coder 1 then read and coded the remaining interviews sequentially, while expanding the
codebook as new response categories were observed. In the second step, the codebook was
discussed with two members of the research team, who then used it to code the interviews. At
this stage, each of the two coders (Coders 2 and 3) independently coded one half of the
interviews. The coders suggested minor modifications to the codebook, which were discussed
with Coder 1 and incorporated. In the third step, Coder 1 recoded all interviews according to
the final version of the codebook (see Supplementary Material 2). To assess the quality of
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coding, the Kappa coefficient, which indicates the agreement between coders, was used. Kappa
values for each category ranged from .63 to .93, indicating high agreement between coders and
thus a well-designed coding procedure. Discrepancies between coder ratings were then
discussed with Coder 4, who was not involved in the earlier analyses. After reviewing the
codebook and the discrepancies between Coders 1-3, Coder 4 suggested a suitable code, which
was then discussed until unanimity was reached. As a result of the described procedure, a
database (with the frequency of responses in each category for the two groups of parents) was
created. Next, a Chi-square test was used to assess differences between the two groups of
parents in terms of the frequency of responses in each category.
Following this, the relationship between the questionnaire data and the interview data
was analysed. For this purpose, we used Pearson's correlation coefficient and examined whether
the severity of childhood traumatic experiences, mental health issues, and the level of basic
personality traits were related to how participants described the period before having a child,
the period of pregnancy and the first weeks after the child was born, their current parenting
experiences, and the impact of their family of origin experiences on their current parenting.
Results
Correlations between quantitative variables
Table 2 shows the correlations between questionnaire data among regretting and non-
regretting parents. The direction of correlations in both groups was similar and consistent with
predictions. Experiencing childhood maltreatment, especially Emotional abuse and Emotional
neglect, correlated positively with mental health problems, but only in the group of regretting
parents was a significant association observed with severity of depressive symptoms. Worse
mental health was also negatively correlated with two Big Five traits, Extraversion and
Emotional Stability. These associations were stronger among regretting parents. Significant
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relationships were also observed between childhood traumatic experiences and Big Five traits.
Among regretting parents, higher childhood violence was associated with lower Extraversion
and Emotional Stability, and among non-regretting parents it was associated with lower
Conscientiousness and Emotional Stability.
Table 2 here
Childhood trauma, mental health, and personality traits in the two groups of parents
Next, regretting and non-regretting parents were compared on childhood trauma, mental
health problems, and personality traits. A MANOVA revealed a strong multivariate effect of
belonging to one of the two parent groups, Wilks' λ = .43, F (14, 44) = 4.22, p < .001, η2 = .58
(Table 3). Parents who regretted having a child were more likely to experience abuse from close
family members and had higher levels of depressive symptoms. For the Big Five traits, it was
observed that parents who regretted having a child were characterized by lower Agreeableness.
For the other traits, there were no differences between the parents studied. No significant
interaction of regretting parenthood and gender was observed.
Table 3 here
Data from the interview
Cross-tabulations (Tables 4-13) and example participant statements are provided in
Supplementary Material 3.
Period before having a child
Participants’ motivations for having a child (Interview questions: What made you decide
to have a child? What was your main motivation for having a child?) led to the identification
of six subcategories (Table 4): 1. Contact/Connection (desire to be with the child, desire to take
care of the child), 2. Age/health (e.g. increasing health problems that could make having a child
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in the future difficult, approaching the period when fertility will be lower, fear that parenthood
at a later age could be associated with the risk of health complications), 3. Influence of others
(persuasion from others, mainly partner or immediate family, imitation of others), 4. Social
roles/social maturity (attaining life, career, romantic stability, and treating parenthood as the
next step in development), 5. Internal readiness (e.g., feeling that the time has come, internal
need to be a parent, desire to fulfill one's needs), and 6. Accident/unplanned (lack of planning,
unexpected pregnancy, effect of not using adequate contraception). When a comparison was
made between the response frequency in these categories among regretting and non-regretting
parents, significant differences were found in three of the six categories. Parents who regretted
having a child were more likely to indicate that they decided to have a child due to pressure
from others (29.2% in the regretting parent group vs. 2.9% in the non-regretting parent group;
X2 (1, 59) = 8. 41, p < .01) or that the pregnancy was accidental/unplanned (29.2% vs 8.6%; X2
(1, 59) = 4.29, p < .05), and they were less likely to say that having a child was a result of
internal readiness (25% vs 71.4%; X2 (1, 59) = 12.31, p < .001). To test whether factors
differentiating the two groups were related to childhood trauma, mental health, and personality
traits, correlation analysis was conducted. We found that Intrinsic Readiness, the most common
motive for having a child among non-regretting parents, was negatively correlated with Intelect
(r = -.35, p < .01), Unplanned Pregnancy was negatively correlated with Vegetative Symptoms
(r = -. 35, p < .01), and positively with Extraversion (r =.26, p < .05), while Decision under
Pressure was positively related to Physical abuse (r =.25, p < .05) and Sexual abuse (r =.38, p
< .01) in childhood.
Parents from the two groups also differed significantly in how they perceived parenting
before having children (Interview question: How did you imagine parenting at that time?; X2
(2, 55) = 7.11, p < .05; Table 5). Regarding the percentage of parents who had a positive
parenting image before having children, there was much similarity between the two groups
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(47.8% vs. 46.9%); however, among the regretting parents, there was a higher percentage
having an explicitly negative parenting image (30.4% vs. 6.3%) and a lower percentage having
a mixed (positive-negative) parenting image (21.7% vs. 46.9%). The results revealed, however,
that pre-birth parenting image (Coding: 0-negative, 1-mixed, 2-positive) was not correlated
with questionnaire data.
The group of regretting parents also had a significantly higher proportion of those who
had seriously considered childlessness in the past (Answer yes: 62.5% vs 17.1%; X2 (1, 59) =
12.77, p < .001). Considering childlessness (Coding: 0-no, 1-yes) was positively related to
Emotional abuse in childhood (r = .30, p < .05) and to Intelect (r = .27, p < .05).
Pregnancy and the first months of parenthood
The pregnancy period was evaluated significantly worse by regretting parents than by
non-regretting parents (X2 (2, 50) = 14.32, p < .05; Table 6). Unambiguously, 55% of regretting
parents and only 7% of non-regretting parents viewed this period negatively. In contrast, 23%
of regretting parents and 61% of non-regretting parents rated the pregnancy period positively.
Pregnancy evaluation (Coding: 0-negative, 1-mixed, 2-positive) correlated negatively with
Childhood Emotional Abuse severity (r = - .32, p < .05) and positively with Agreeableness (r
= .48, p < .001).
Parents in the two groups also differed in how they described the first weeks after their
child's birth (X2 (2, 58) = 14.50, p < .001; Table 7). Among regretting parents, 63% said they
recalled this period negatively, and only 13% were explicitly positive about it; the remaining
participants in this group (25%) had a mixed opinion. In contrast, negative evaluations of the
first period after the child's birth concerned only 15% of non-regretting parents. Thirty-eight
percent of them described this time positively, and 47% indicated both positive and negative
aspects. Correlations between evaluation of the first postpartum period (Coding: 0-negative, 1-
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mixed, 2-positive) and other variables revealed negative associations with severity of
Emotional abuse in childhood (r = -.27, p < .05) and with Depressive symptoms (r = -.40, p <
.01) and Agoraphobic symptoms (r = -.33, p < .05).
Current experiences as a parent
Responses related to the discrepancies in how participants imagined parenting to be and
what it actually is (Interview question: What is the difference between how you imagined
parenting before you became a mother/father and how you see it now?) were divided into three
categories; Coding: 0-Mild difference (parenting was like or almost like he or she had
imagined), 1-Medium difference (parenting turned out to be different from what he or she had
imagined, but the difference was not very large), and 2-Large difference (parent had imagined
parenthood very differently; Table 8). Clear and significant differences were observed between
regretting and non-regretting parents (X2 (2, 57) = 13.53, p < .001). In the former group, as
many as 87% of parents reported that there was a large difference between their imaginations
and reality. On the other hand, among the non-regretting parents, this imagined-reality
discrepancy was seen in only 38% of the sample. It is also worth noting that only among the
non-regretting parents were there individuals (n = 3) who stated that reality turned out better
than they had previously thought. Among the regretful individuals, no one described parenting
in this way. Correlation analysis revealed a positive association between imagined-reality
discrepancy (0-1-2) and Emotional abuse (r = .27, p < .05), Emotional neglect (r = .28, p < .05)
and Depressive symptoms (r = .34, p < .05).
When describing the biggest challenges of parenting (Interview question: What are the
biggest challenges you face as a parent?), study participants listed a variety of issues that
formed eight categories (Table 9): 1. Difficult child behaviors (e.g., unacceptable behaviors,
sleep difficulties, disobedience), 2. Finances (e.g., insufficient income, having to spend a lot of
money to have a child), 3. Control of one's own behavior (e.g., difficulty in controlling one's
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own behavior, hiding true feelings, controlling emotions), 4. Supporting the child/responsibility
(e.g., concerns about the child's proper development, healthy nutrition, meeting the demands of
being a good parent), 5. Difficulties in partnership (e.g., lack of time to spend with partner,
deterioration of relationship with partner), 6. Exhaustion, fatigue (e.g., physical/mental fatigue,
lack of strength, constant exhaustion, lack of sleep), 7. Time demands (e.g., constant readiness
and availability for the child, no time for oneself, no opportunity to pursue one's passions), 8.
Lack of support (no one to talk to about problems, not enough help from other family members,
no help from the state in caring for a child with disabilities). Analysis of the frequency of
appearance of these categories in both groups revealed significant differences between
regretting and non-regretting parents. In the former group, parents were significantly more
likely to emphasize that the greatest challenges of parenting were exhaustion/fatigue (38% vs.
11%; X2 (1, 59) = 5.63, p < .05) and having to put too much time into parenting (83% vs. 31%;
X2 (1, 59) = 15.38, p < .001). Non-regretting parents, on the other hand, were more likely to
report that it was challenging for them to respond appropriately when confronted with difficult
child behaviors (e.g., napping, feeding, child crossing boundaries; 12% in the regretting parent
group and 43% in the non-regretting parent group; X2 (1, 59) = 6.19, p < .05). Correlational
analysis revealed that the indication of Time Intensity (Coding: 0-not indicated, 1-indicated)
was positively related to Emotional abuse (r = .29, p < .05), Emotional neglect (r = .30, p <
.05), and Depressive symptoms (r = .26, p < .05).
Responses to questions about what participants enjoyed most about being a parent
(Interview question: What do you enjoy most about being a parent?; Table 10) also varied. As
a result of the analysis, five subcategories were identified: 1) Closeness/spending time with the
child (e.g., daily playtime, time spent together), 2) Happiness of the child (e.g., pleasurable
experiences with the child, joy of the child), 3) Observing development (e.g., watching the
changes the child undergoes, watching the progress the child makes), 4) Teaching the child
18
(e.g., imparting knowledge about the world, explaining things), and 5) Nothing gives pleasure
(the parent explicitly states that there are no parenting-related things that give them pleasure).
The differences between regretting and non-regretting parents were that only the former group
included parents who said that nothing about parenting gives them pleasure (33% vs. 0%; X2
(1, 59) = 13.50, p < . 001), whereas non-regretting parents were significantly more likely to
indicate that they enjoyed spending time with their child (29% vs 80%; X2 (1, 59) = 15.25, p <
.001) and watching their child grow (25% vs 54%; X2 (1, 59) = 5.011, p < .001). Correlation
analysis revealed that indicating Closeness/spending time with the child (Coding: 0-not
indicated, 1-indicated) was negatively correlated with Intelect (r = -.30, p < .05), and indicating
that Nothing is enjoyable (Coding: 0-not indicated, 1-indicated) was positively related to
Emotional abuse (r = .31, p < .05), Physical abuse (r = .27, p < .05), Sexual abuse (r = .27, p <
.05), Emotional neglect (r = .40, p < .01), Depressive symptoms (r =.42, p < .01), and Social
phobia (r = .27, p < .05).
Parents from both groups also differed in how they described themselves as a parent
(Interview question: Please describe what kind of parent you are?; X2 (2, 59) = 9.54, p < .01;
Table 11). Among the regretting parents 17% described themselves using only negative terms.
There were no such individuals in the group of non-regretting parents. In contrast, 33% of
regretting parents and 66% of non-regretting parents were unambiguously positive about
themselves. Correlation analysis revealed that the opinion about oneself as a parent (Coding: 0-
negative, 1-mixed, 2-positive) was negatively related to Emotional abuse (r = -.36, p <.01),
Emotional neglect (r = -. 27, p <.05), Depressive symptoms (r = -.33, p <.05), Agoraphobia
symptoms (r = -.35, p <.01), Socialphobia symptoms (r = -.26, p <.05), and positively with
Emotional stability (r = .33, p <.05).
The impact of family of origin experiences on parenting
19
In answering the interview question Did you have any experiences with your parents
that influenced the kind of parent you are now? All parents (100%), from both groups, stated
that their experiences with their own parents influenced the kind of parent they are now.
However, there were differences between the two groups in how they perceived this influence,
(X2 (2, 56) = 12.57, p < .01; Table 12). Among the regretting parents, 57% felt that their parents
had negatively influenced their parenting, and 39% felt that the influence varied (some positive,
some negative). Only 4% (1 person) felt that their parents' influence was positive. Non-
regretting parents were much less likely to say they were negatively influenced (18%), and
much more likely to think their experiences with their parents allowed them to be better parents
(positive influence: 39%). Perceptions of their own parents' influence on parenting (Coding: 0-
negative, 1-mixed, 2-positive) were negatively correlated with various forms of maltreatment
experienced in childhood: Emotional abuse (r = -.54, p < .001) and Emotional neglect (r = -.61,
p < .001) and with Depressive symptoms (r = -.34, p < .05), and positively with
Conscientiousness (r =.29, p < .05).
Parents in the two groups also responded differently to the question of whether they
thought they would raise their child the way they themselves were raised (Interview question:
Do you think you will raise your children the same way your parents raised you?; X2 (2, 59) =
7.18, p < .05; Table 13). Among the regretting parents, 67% said unequivocally that this would
not be the case, 33% made statements indicating a desire to partially emulate their own parents,
and no one made an unequivocal positive statement. Among the non-regretting parents, 37%
indicated unequivocally that they would not raise their child the way they themselves had been
raised, while most indicated that they would rely in part on the experiences of their own family
of origin. In contrast, 17% admitted that their parents would be role models for them and that
they would raise their children similarly to how they themselves were raised. Ratings of whether
a parent would raise their child the way they themselves were raised (Coding: 0-No, 1-
20
Somewhat Yes/Somewhat No, 2-Yes) were negatively correlated with Emotional abuse (r =-
.29, p < .05), Physical abuse (r =-.26, p < .05), Emotional neglect (r =-.45, p < .001), and
positively correlated with Emotional stability (r =.27, p < .05).
Discussion
The present study used mixed methodology to fill some of the gaps present in our
knowledge of parenting regret. In order to ensure that parents' narratives are about their current
experiences and not about memories from years ago, the parents who participated in the study
were parents in an active caregiving role who had one child no older than 6 years. This was also
the first study to compare the narratives of parents who regret having children with those who
view the decision to parent positively and to examine their association with traumatic
childhood, mental health, and personality traits.
Overall, the results supported the hypotheses and allow us to significantly expand our
knowledge of parenting regret. For the first time, it was shown that regretting parents may differ
from non-regretting parents in their perceptions of parenting already in the period before having
a child, which warrants further exploration of early risk factors. Differences between the two
groups of parents are also seen in perceptions of the pregnancy period, the first weeks of
parenthood, and finally current experiences. This shows that for regretting parents, all stages of
the transition to parenthood may be less favorable. This is consistent with previous reports by
qualitative researchers (Donath, 2015, Matley, 2020, Moore & Abetz, 2019) and confirms that
regretting parents clearly differ from non-regretting parents in how they perceive parenting.
Differences in the process of adapting to parenthood appear to be, at least in part, due to
individual factors related to life history and psychological characteristics. Regretting parents
were more likely to be victims of physical and emotional abuse during childhood, which may
be one reason for their poorer mental health (Zlotnick et al., 2008). These negative childhood
experiences and psychological difficulties may affect how regretting parents view parenting
21
and what experiences they have as parents, which in turn may further impair their functioning
(East et al., 2012). Of lesser importance in the process of regretting parenthood appear to be
relatively stable basic personality traits, although the results nevertheless indicate that regretting
parents may place less importance on the well-being of others and be less cooperative-oriented.
Parenting perceptions and parenting experiences of regretting parents
Based on previous qualitative research (Donath, 2015), it was expected that regretting
parents, compared to non-regretting parents, would have less positive perceptions of parenting
and would be more likely to indicate unsatisfactory experiences as a parent. Analysis of the
interviews clearly confirmed this for each of the areas analyzed: pre-parenthood, pregnancy,
postpartum, and current situation.
Regretting parents are clearly more likely to be among those who either chose to parent
under external pressure or as a result of an unplanned pregnancy. This supports Donath's (2015)
suggestion and shows that social or personal pressure, in the absence of an internal readiness to
have children, may increase the risk that a parent will begin to regret it in the future. That
regretting parents may have already belonged to the low intrinsic readiness group prior to
having a child may be evidenced not only by the fact that they were less likely to indicate
intrinsic readiness as their motivation for parenthood, but also by the fact that they already often
had a negative view of parenthood in the period before becoming parents, and many of them
seriously considered childlessness. This extrinsic motivation, with a negative perception of
parenthood, may have significantly hindered their adaptation to parenthood during pregnancy
and postpartum (Gross & Marcussen, 2017). This can clearly be seen in the form of more
negative evaluations of this period. In subsequent studies, it will be interesting to examine what
role depression (in both men and women) plays in the process of regretting parenthood,
including postpartum depression, which can have a long-term negative impact on the
development of their parental identity (Piotrowski, 2018; Meca et al., 2020) and thus lastingly
22
disrupt the process of adaptation to parenthood. In the present study, the severity of depressive
symptoms was examined, but from this we cannot draw conclusions about how many parents
met diagnostic criteria for depression. Regretting parents were more likely to say that nothing
about parenting makes them happy, and they cited exhaustion as the greatest difficulty they
experience. Both of these symptoms may suggest depression. On this basis, practitioners may
be advised to diagnose for depression when contacted by regretting parents
Parenting, in the eyes of regretting parents, is beyond their capabilities. They say they
never imagined that parenting would be so difficult before (this is even more important given
that many of them already had a not-so-positive view of the role). Other research also confirms
that many people underestimate the demands of parenthood and thus underprepare for it
(Sanders et al., 2021). It seems that there are many such individuals among regretting parents.
They perceive the demands of parenthood as something they did not expect, as overly
burdensome and demanding and too time-consuming for them to handle. This perception of
parenting is also characteristic of parental burnout (Mikolajczak & Roskam, 2020), which often
occurs among regretting parents (Piotrowski, 2021). Loss of satisfaction with parenting and
isolation from children and low parental self-esteem are also among the symptoms of parental
burnout. This is well evident among the surveyed regretting parents, who often stated that they
were bad parents and in stating that being with their child and doing activities together did not
bring them satisfaction. Based on the results and taking into account Piotrowski's (2021)
observations, it can be hypothesized that parental burnout is one of the key processes associated
with parenting for those who regret having children. This is one promising area for further
research.
Previous qualitative research (Donath, 2015; Matley, 2020; Moore & Abetz, 2019) has
not explored how regretting parents perceive their families of origin and their impact, but
Piotrowski (2021) observed in his quantitative study that regretting parents were more likely to
23
have experienced various forms of childhood maltreatment. What is clearly evident in the
interviews is that regretting parents looking back are not only more likely to indicate that they
grew up in dysfunctional families, but also believe that this had a negative impact on their own
parenting. Many of them explicitly blamed the violence they experienced for their current
difficulties. This negative image of their own family of origin can also be seen in the assertion
that they will not raise their children the way they themselves were raised. Overall, it is apparent
that among regretting parents, their childhood experiences are, in their view, a burden they must
carry. This distinguishes them from non-regretting parents, who are more likely to see their own
experiences as supportive and helpful in their parenting role.
The importance of traumatic childhood experiences
The present study was designed not only to explore the personal perspective of
regretting parents and compare it to that of non-regretting parents, but also to look for factors
that may influence the transition to parenthood and make it possible that in some cases the risk
of regretting this decision may increase. One of the factors examined was the severity of
traumatic violence during childhood. The results revealed that among all the factors we
examined, childhood trauma may be key. Perceptions of parenting and experiences revealed in
interviews were most strongly related to just how intense the violence was experienced by study
participants. The higher the emotional and physical violence experienced in childhood, the more
often the parents surveyed considered childlessness, made the decision to parent under pressure,
viewed pregnancy and the postpartum period negatively, had lower parenting self-esteem, said
that nothing about parenting gave them pleasure, that it was too time-consuming and
exhausting, and believed that their parents had negatively influenced them. In a word, the study
revealed that violence experienced in childhood, often mentioned in interviews especially by
regretting parents, may indeed affect poorer adjustment at different stages of parenting,
including the period before having a child. Violence experienced in childhood is a known risk
24
factor for biological, emotional, and social development that also increases the risk for mental
health problems in adulthood (Steele et al., 2016; Zlotnick et al., 2008). The results indicate
that it is also a factor that can have a significant impact on the risk of regretting parenthood.
The importance of mental health
Data on the mental health of regretting parents were presented earlier by Piotrowski
(2021), who found that they were characterized by a higher intensity of anxiety and depressive
symptoms. In the present study, on the other hand, we found that symptoms of psychological
difficulties co-occurred with more negative perceptions of parenting during the transition to
parenthood (negative evaluation of pregnancy and postpartum period) and worse current
experiences in the role of parent (evaluation of parenting as too time-consuming and exhausting,
negative opinion of oneself as a parent, lack of pleasure in parenting). Interestingly, the
symptoms of psychological difficulties were not related to the evaluation of the period before
having a child (opinion on parenting at that time, considering childlessness), which may
indicate that in the case of regretting parents we may be dealing with people in whom a clear
aggravation of psychological problems occurred after the child's birth. This is an interesting
question that would need to be verified in future longitudinal studies beginning during
pregnancy, or earlier, and continuing into parenthood. Overall, longitudinal studies on the
transition to parenthood are rather optimistic and indicate that at a population level, individuals
who become parents are observed to have rather improved mental health (Mckenzie & Carter,
2013), but research on parental burnout (Mikolajczak & Roskam, 2020) leads to the conclusion
that for up to 10% of parents, this trajectory is different and leads to decreased functioning.
Based on Piotrowski's (2021) research, it is plausible that parents who regret having children
are mainly from this group.
The importance of basic personality traits
25
Compared to childhood trauma and mental health, basic personality traits appear to be
less important to the perceptions of parenting and parenting experiences of regretting and non-
regretting parents. Traits identified with a mature personality, high emotional stability (opposite
of neuroticism), agreeableness, and conscientiousness, were associated with statements
indicating more positive parenting experiences (more positive self-image as a parent, positive
evaluation of pregnancy and postpartum, rating parental influence as more positive, and greater
tendency to model parenting after one's own parents), which is consistent with the perception
of these traits as highly adaptive (Donellan et al., 2006). However, it does not appear that the
Big Five traits can, by themselves, explain the risk of regretting parenthood. Regretting and
nonregretting parents did not differ in terms of extraversion, conscientiousness, emotional
stability, and openness to experience. The only significant difference between them, the lower
agreeableness of the regretting parents, was not related to interview data and did not correlate
with mental health. This does not mean, of course, that agreeableness is unrelated to the risk of
regretting parenthood. Unfortunately, interpersonal issues were not explored particularly
strongly in the interview, and it is in this area that the impact of agreeableness is particularly
revealing. Perhaps the lower agreeableness of regretting parents may lead to lower quality social
relationships they build and lower support they can count on, which would be consistent with
other reports (Tov et al., 2016), but this is a topic that needs further exploration.
A more ambivalent trait when it comes to parenting is Openness to Experience (or
Intellect). In previous research, high openness has been shown to be associated with greater
reluctance to take on the parenting role and to postpone it (van Scheppingen et al., 2016).
Individuals with high openness may ill-afford the constraints of the parenting role, especially
in the first few years when it is highly absorbing. This effect was also evident in the study
presented here. Those with higher Intellect were more likely to consider childlessness, less
likely to say they felt an inner readiness to be a parent, and less likely to say they enjoyed
26
spending time with their child. Since regretting parents did not differ from non-regretting
parents in this regard, it is reasonable to believe that the influence of this trait is not strong
enough to cause a parent to feel regret and disillusionment with parenting.
Limitations of the study and recommendations for future research
Although this study has yielded new knowledge about parenting regret, its findings must
be analyzed with important limitations. First, the study sample was small, allowing only for the
observation of medium to large differences between groups, but not the more subtle correlates
of parenting regret. Thus, future studies should verify the results by analyzing data from a larger
number of regretting and non-regretting parents. Second, the results described are from a cross-
sectional study, which does not allow for analysis of cause-and-effect relationships. Subsequent
studies would need to use a longitudinal study method to verify the relationships between the
constructs studied. Third, the study used only one data source, the parents themselves, while
the perspective of the child or partner was not included. Thus, we know nothing about whether
the surroundings of regretting parents perceive their struggles and whether regretting parenting
affects interpersonal relationships. Fourth, the single measurement does not allow us to draw
conclusions about the stability of parenting regret over time. That regretting parenthood can be
a long-term condition is evidenced by Donath's (2015) study, which involved often now-mature
women who have struggled for most of their adult lives with the sense that they made a bad
decision many years earlier. However, in the study presented here, such a long-term perspective
was not taken, and the parents' narratives were about their current situation (sometimes after
several years of parenting). Thus, future research would need to examine how often parenting
regrets diminish and what influences this.
27
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Supplemental Materials
Interview
Authors: Konrad Piotrowski (SWPS University, Poland) & Luzelle Naude (University of the
Free State, South Africa)
Note: You have every right to use and modify this interview as long as you acknowledge the
source
Let's start with the period before having a child....
1) When did you start considering becoming a parent at all?
1a. How did you envision parenting at that point?
1b. What made you decide to have a child? What was your main motivation for having a
child?
1c. Before you became a mother/father, did you consider not having children at all?
Now think back to your first period after giving birth....
2) How do you recall (your) pregnancy? How did you feel about your health?
2a. How did you feel emotionally during (your) pregnancy? What emotions did you experience
most often?
2b. When the baby was born, what were your first weeks of parenthood like? What emotions
did you feel at that time?
Let's go back to the present moment...
3. With whom do you share child care responsibilities?
3a. Who is primarily responsible for providing child care?
3b. Who spends the most time with your children?
4 In addition to the named person(s), who else is involved in care?
5. How do the people listed (if any) support you in caring for your child?
6 What is the difference between how you imagined parenting before you became a mother/father
and how you see it now?
6a. What gives you the most pleasure in being a parent?
6b. And what are the biggest demands you face as a parent?
7. If you could go back in time, with all the knowledge and experience you have now, what would
you do differently about parenting?
8. Please describe what kind of parent you are?
8a. What made you become just such a parent?
Do you have a specific opinion on how to bring up children? How do you think it should be done?
9a. Where did you gain this perspective on parenting?
10. Do you talk to other people about your children and how to raise them?
10a. (If yes) Who are these people? (Who is this person?)
11. Are you trying to develop your parenting skills? How?
Now let's take a moment to talk about the influence of other people on your (your)
parenting....
12: Have you had any experiences with your parents that have influenced the kind of parent you
are?
12a. How important were these experiences to what kind of parent you are?
12b. Do you think you will raise your children the same way your parents raised you?
13/ Are there any other people who have shaped you as a parent?
13a. How important were these experiences to what kind of parent you are?
33
14. Why do you think some parents begin to regret the decision they made to have a child?
[for people who DO NOT regret having a child]: 14a. Have there been times when you regretted
your decision to have a child?
15. I have already asked all of the planned questions, but I would also like to ask if there are any
important parenting issues that I have not asked but should have? Is there anything else you would
like to share?
34
Codebook for content analysis
Question
Coding category (indicator / description)
What made you decide
to have a child? What
was your main
motivation for having a
child?
1 – Contact/Connection (contact with child, desire to be with child, desire
to spend time with child, etc.)
2 – Age/health (getting to a certain age, health issues, fertility)
3 – Influence of others (influence of environment, pressure, persuasion,
examples of others)
4 – Social roles/social maturity (life stability, building a relationship, job
stability, good financial situation)
5 – Internal readiness (inner readiness, maturity, inner desire to have a
child)
6 – Accident/unplanned (coincidence, the baby was not planned)
How did you imagine
parenting at that time?
0 – Negatively (when describing his/her perceptions, the parent uses
mostly negative terms, his/her image of parenting is mostly negative)
1 – Mixed (parent pays attention to both positive and negative aspects of
parenting; e.g., believes that parenting in general is a positive thing, but
knows that it also has its bad sides)
2 – Positively (when describing his/her perceptions, the parent uses
mostly positive terms, his/her image of parenting is mostly positive)
Before you became a
mother/father, did you
consider not having
children at all?
0 – No (He/she says he/she never seriously considered it, even if he/she
had such thoughts, they were momentary, not important)
1 – Yes (considered it, took it into account, had plans to do so)
How do you recall
(your) pregnancy?
How did you feel about
your health? How did
you feel emotionally
during (your)
pregnancy? What
emotions did you
experience most often?
0 – Negatively (when describing the period of pregnancy she/he talks
mainly about negative experiences, she/he uses words indicating that the
pregnancy was mainly a period of negative experiences)
1 – Mixed (indicates both positive and negative aspects of pregnancy,
different emotions, different experiences)
2 – Positively (describes pregnancy primarily in positive terms, even if
there are some negative experiences they are described as unimportant,
insignificant)
When the baby was
born, what were your
first weeks of
parenthood like? What
emotions did you feel
at that time?
0 – Negative (when describing this period he/she talks mainly about
negative experiences, recalls this period badly, says that it was
accompanied by mainly negative feelings)
1 – Mixed (indicates both positive and negative experiences during this
period, different emotions, different experiences)
2 – Positive (when describing this period he/she talks mostly about
positive experiences, recalls this period well, says that it was
accompanied by mostly positive feelings)
What is the difference
between how you
imagined parenting
before you became a
mother/father and how
you see it now?
0 – Little difference/no difference (She/he says parenting is as or more or
less as she/he thought it would be)
1 – Average difference (She/he says that parenting is different from what
she imagined, but the difference is not big, but still visible/significant)
2 – Big difference (she/he says the difference is big, that parenting is
something different than she/he imagined, that she/he thought of
parenting in a different way than it actually is)
What are the biggest
challenges you face as
a parent?
1 – Difficult child behaviors (e.g., unacceptable behaviors, sleep
difficulties, disobedience)
2 – Finances (e.g., insufficient income, having to spend a lot of money to
have a child)
3 – Control of one's own behavior (difficulty in controlling one's own
behavior, hiding true feelings, controlling emotions)
35
4 – Supporting the child/responsibility (e.g., concerns about the child's
proper development, healthy nutrition, meeting the demands of being a
good parent)
5 – Difficulties in partnership (e.g., lack of time to spend with partner,
deterioration of relationship with partner)
6 – Exhaustion, fatigue (e.g., physical/mental fatigue, lack of strength,
constant exhaustion, lack of sleep)
7 – Time demands (constant readiness and availability for the child, time-
consuming, loss of freedom/liberty, giving up of self)
8 – Lack of support (no one to talk to about problems, not enough help
from other family members, no help from the state in caring for a child
with disabilities)
What do you enjoy
most about being a
parent?
1 – Closeness/spending time with the child (daily contact, spending time
with the child, staying together)
2 – Happiness of the child (The child's happiness, when the child shows
that he or she feels good, when the child is happy)
3 – Observing development (watching the baby grow, observing the new
things they learn)
4 – Teaching the child (educating the child, teaching the child new things,
imparting knowledge to the child)
5 – Nothing gives pleasure (nothing or almost nothing is enjoyable)
Please describe what
kind of parent you are?
0 – Negative image (uses mostly negative terms to describe himself, has
low opinion of himself as a parent)
1 – Mixed image (his/her self-image as a parent includes both positive and
negative terms; his/her opinion of himself/herself as a parent is
ambivalent)
2 – Positive image (when talking about himself, he/she points mostly or
exclusively to positive qualities, considers himself/herself a good parent)
Have you had any
experiences with your
parents that have
influenced the kind of
parent you are?
0 – No (He/she says his parents had little or no influence on what kind of
parent he/she is now)
1 – Yes (says that his parents had more or less influence on him as a
parent; whether it was positive or negative and whether the influence was
from one or two parents)
Do you think you will
raise your children the
same way your parents
raised you?
0 – No (states that he/she wants to raise his/her children differently, that
he/she tries to make sure his/her children have different experiences,
points out that children today are raised differently than they used to be)
1 – Some yes, some no (states that he/she will parent the same way in part,
that he/she will draw on his childhood experiences to some extent, but
also indicates that he/she will parent in a partially different way)
2 – Yes (says he/she will raise the child similarly, even if he/she points
out some differences he/she says they will be small) NOTE: regardless of
whether he/she says he/she will raise the child as well or as badly!)
36
NOTE: All example statements presented in Tables 4-13 are translations from Polish
Table 4
What made you decide to have a child? What was your main motivation for having a child? (the table shows the number of parents who indicated
a particular motive in their statement; since parents could give more than one reason, values do not add up to 100%)
Regretting parents
Non-regretting parents
Example statements
Contact
n = 3
12.5%
n = 3
8.6%
- I have always been very fond of children, I used to take care of the children in my family
often, I liked to spend time with them, to learn something new, that's why I also wanted to
have my own little child that I could play with and bring up. (interview 011)
Age/health
n = 4
16.7%
n = 5
14.3%
- Being older and older. I just slowly felt that there was no longer anything to put off
(interview 218)
Influence of
others
n = 7
29.2%
n = 1
2.9%
- My current husband came along, and he wanted the baby terribly, unimaginably, my
father joined in, my mother joined in, they all wanted the baby terribly. I didn't really want
it, but they all wanted it so badly, they promised that I would have the baby, they would
bring it up, nothing would change except that I would have the baby. Of course they were
lies, as I already know (interview 014)
Social
roles/social
maturity
n = 8
33.3%
n = 11
31.4%
- I already had a partner, we had been together for a couple of years, we lived together,
we both had jobs and, and I decided that this was the moment (interview 013)
Internal
readiness
n = 6
25.0%
n = 25
71.4%
- I think that, I don't know, it seems to me that it's so natural that a person is born, develops
and so on, and at a certain period of life he/she says that he/she needs a child that will
bring joy, that will bring some kind of fulfillment, satisfaction, satisfaction from life and
37
from the fact that one can bestow some kind of additional love upon someone, because
basically it looks like this (Interview 205)
Accident/Unpla
nned
n = 7
29.2%
n = 3
8.6%
- As far as considering parenthood, it came rather spontaneously. Because I found out
pretty much overnight that my wife was pregnant, well it came out so spontaneously it all
(interview 403)
38
Table 5
How did you imagine parenting at that time? (prior to becoming a parent)
Regretting
parents
(n = 23)
Non-regretting
parents
(n = 32)
Example statements
Negatively
n = 7
30.4%
n = 2
6.3%
- I always looked at some parents with children, I just felt sorry for them, I mean I felt sorry for them, but I
looked at them with this ironic superiority, why the hell do people do that to themselves, that kind of thing, so
I just imagined some kind of catastrophe, the end of life, that's how I would put it in a nutshell (interview 404)
- I imagined that children change parents psychologically, that parents become less social, have less time. The
child is the center of their interests and friends, family are relegated to the background. And that completely
different topics absorb parents on a daily basis. This means that it is harder to talk to such people (interview
101)
Mixed
n = 5
25%
n = 15
46.9%
- It seems to me that quite realistically, that is as quite hard work, but also a lot of satisfaction, a lot of pleasure
from moments spent together with the family (interview 218)
Positively
n = 11
47.8%
n = 15
46.9%
- Well, as kind of an adventure of my life, to some extent, that is an opportunity to grow up, to develop, to
interact with another human being who is to some extent a part of me (interview 120)
- I imagined that it would just come naturally at some point, once we graduated from college, once we achieved
some financial stability, it was natural for me that my husband and I would be super parents (interview 021)
39
Table 6
How do you recall your pregnancy? How did you feel at that time in terms of health and emotional well-being?
Regretting
parents
(n = 22)
Non-regretting
parents
(n = 28)
Example statements
Negatively
n = 12
54.5%
n = 2
7.1%
- I have bad memories of my pregnancy in general because I had a hard time and the last months, three months,
I practically spent in bed, and from the second, third month of pregnancy I was already sitting at home because
I was vomiting all the time and, and I felt really bad. Emotionally I felt weird at first because the hormones
really crashed me terribly and, and I just felt bad all the time, sluggish, I was vomiting, I had horrible skin
lesions, I swelled up terribly. At the beginning it was stress and anxiety connected with the very fact that I was
pregnant, and then, after a few days or so, it turned into some joy, but it wasn't exactly joy, either, because I
knew that I should be happy that I was pregnant, but all the time I felt stress and anxiety connected with the
fact that I was pregnant. So I wanted to be happy about it maybe, but somehow all the time I felt this inner
anxiety (interview 022)
Mixed
n = 5
22.7%
n = 9
32.1%
- In terms of health I felt through the first trimester.... The first trimester was quite difficult, then I felt fantastic,
apart from the fact that I wanted to sleep and the last two months were, they were a little bit harder because I
had back pains, but I kind of remember this time very nicely, and, I would love to experience it again. There
were also some fears, well, that's when I was pregnant, well, I missed, for example, the fact that I couldn't go
skiing with the group I used to go with, that I couldn't ride my motorcycle, and I used to do that, and that's
when I was pregnant, I missed it more, it was harder for me to come to terms with giving up some things.
(interview 110)
Positively
n = 5
22.7%
n = 17
60.7%
- I really took it very well, I was very happy and I felt that, that it was all great. No, I didn't have any kind of
downs, emotional swings about it (interview 106)
40
Table 7
When the baby was born, what were your first weeks of parenthood like? What emotions did you feel at that time?
Regretting
parents
(n = 24)
Non-regretting
parents
(n = 34)
Example statements
Negative
n = 15
62.5%
n = 5
14.7%
- Well, I would like to forget about them, because it was very bad, unfortunately, very bad. Suddenly it turned
out that along with the child you don't get an instruction manual, yes, that's my feeling, and somewhere in there,
um, I realized already in those first weeks that I was absolutely not fit to be a mother, and it was a thought that
crushed me completely, it crushes me to this day, and I think it will never go away (interview 019)
Mixed
n = 6
25.0%
n = 16
47.1%
- The first night, it was me crying, definitely, because I found that I couldn't cope. So, so yeah, the first night
was very hard, but then it got better day by day, yeah. We were getting to know our daughter, we already knew
what her crying meant, so it got easier every day for sure. There was definitely something like anxiety about
the baby and I feel like that's probably never going to go away for me. Like I'm a little bit of a, I mean, no, I'm
not an oversensitive mom, but I'm such a worrier. (interview 103)
Positive
n = 3
12.5%
n = 13
38.2%
- I was certainly tired, as far as such... I had a caesarean section, so I felt so, let's say average, average
physically, but there was always support, especially because it was the first child in the family, so, so there was
help from all sides, so we went through it quite well, too. My husband was also, I think, at home with us for a
long time, about a month and a half, so there was also his help, because we both helped each other. So you
know, physically it was a little bit worse sometimes, but overall I felt very good. (interview 117)
41
Table 8
What is the difference between how you imagined parenting before you became a mother and how you see it now?
Regretting
parents
(n = 23)
Non-
regretting
parents
(n = 34)
Example statements
Little
difference/no
difference
n = 2
8.7%
n = 10
29.4%
- I don't think anything surprised me in that drastic way. Neither positive nor negative, more or less the way I imagined it to
be. And I understand that my friends without children may have a much harder time with me, but in turn I have expanded my
circle of friends to include people who have young children (interview 110)
- - Parenthood has lived up to my expectations. That it would be hard for me (interview 416)
Average
difference
n = 1
4.3%
n = 11
32.4%
- Well it certainly seemed to me that it was much more difficult. And I also thought that completely different stages would be
more difficult, I probably imagined that these first two or three months would be very demanding, to understand what the
child needs. Well, it worked out for us in such a way, or we organized it in such a way, that it wasn't really that difficult. For
sure there is much more joy than I imagined, for sure there is less of a sine wave of emotions (interview 203)
- I knew a lot was going to change and I knew there was going to be less time, and basically that's it, so like, in some ways
it's similar. I don't know, still somehow I thought it would be a little easier with a little organization to find time for some of
my stuff. But it's a little bit more difficult than I expected. (interview 202)
Big
difference
n = 20
87.0%%
n = 13
38.2%
- Well, the difference is colossal. In fact, as I mentioned before, the idea was very, very enthusiastic and that everything
would be nice and beautiful. And it turns out that the amount of time you have to devote to your child means that you have
to put aside and give up a lot of things. And, in fact, this is where I feel the biggest shock and difference. Because the fact
that you have to take care of the child, I don't know, I don't know, dress him, give him food at the beginning, then watch him
eat by himself, show him different things, it was quite exciting and this, it's kind of coming true now, this is my expectation.
But how much time it takes and how many other things you have to put through it, well it was a shock. (interview 208)
42
Table 9
What are the biggest challenges you face as a parent? (Table shows the number of parents who indicated each category in their statement; because
parents may have given multiple challenges, values do not add up to 100%)
Regretting
parents
Non-
regretting
parents
Example statements
difficult child
behaviors
n = 3
12.5%
n = 15
42.9%
- Generally, well, you know, when a child expresses an opinion that's incompatible with the parent, well, it's
tiring, right? Because it kind of disrupts our plans, but sometimes they need to be corrected, right? (interview
201)
finances
n = 3
12.5%
n = 1
2.9%
- Well, there are certainly financial challenges, yes. This also has to be taken into account, because every parent
wants the best for their child, as much as possible. So yes, it is such a challenge that my material needs are put
aside, for example, that I need to buy something for myself. Now it's based first of all on what, what the
daughter, what the daughter needs to be provided for (interview 103)
control of one's
own behavior
n = 4
16.7%
n = 9
25.7%
- Not showing what, what I'm really feeling at that moment, in that moment, and what I'm really thinking. Which
manifests itself in a lot of people telling me that I'm a good father, but they have no idea what's going on in my
head and how I'm actually approaching it there (interview 416)
Supporting the
child/responsibil
ity
n = 5
20.8%
n = 11
31.4%
- It's this responsibility, because before, if my wife and I were alone, just the two of us, I was responsible for
myself, and if I didn't take care of something in terms of my wife, well, she dealt with the situation. And now
you have to think in fact for two people, in fact for three, because even such prosaic things as making a sandwich
somewhere and leaving a knife at the table, well, five minutes of free time and Sophie can catch the knife, she
can hurt herself with it. Running ahead with all the problems and events is difficult (interview 205)
Difficulties in
partnership
n = 3
12.5%
n = 2
5.7%
- In my opinion the biggest challenge is that... you have less time to plan and... you have to work harder and
you have to do a lot of thinking in order to spend time just the two of you. Well, if we want to spend time
together, we have to either take a vacation or arrange it with my mom or, well, we still have to do some logistic
operations. And there is never as much time as one would like, I mean - time is always limited (interview 030)
43
Exhaustion,
fatigue
n = 9
37.5%
n = 4
11.4%
- It is so tiring and so exhausting that, well, it is something that is beyond me, I must say. So this is something
that I didn't imagine, I must say, I didn't think it would bring me to the brink of endurance (interview 409)
Time demands
n = 20
83.3%
n =11
31.4%
- The most important thing is that she wants to play with her all the time, to spend time with her all the time. I
can't, for example, sit down in peace, watch a programme on TV, because she's always hanging on me. So, for
me, well, this is probably the most tiring thing. (interview 029)
Lack of support
n = 4
16.7%
n = 2
5.7%
- I think my husband and I have the same problem that it's just the two of us and if we have a worse day, or a
worse time in general, we have no one to help us, even on an ad hoc basis. If the child gets sick, it's just the two
of us and we have to organize the sick time ourselves. We have no physical help, this is the hardest, hardest
thing (interview 101)
44
Table 10
What do you enjoy most about being a parent? (Table shows the number of parents who indicated a category in their statement; since parents may
have given more than one question, values do not add up to 100%)
Regretting
parents
Non-
regretting
parents
Example statements
Closeness/spending
time with the child
n = 7
29.2%
n = 28
80.0%
I really like to put her to sleep, because she has always liked being read to. So it's also a moment that is
completely for us, because we turn off the light somewhere, she lays down, cuddles up to me, I read the
books and she gets ready for sleep, and then there's a moment when I say: 'This is the last book, this is
the end, you're going to sleep now' and she lays down somewhere on her side of the bed, but I have to sit
for a while and then she says: 'Daddy, you read your book'. Then I have to sit there for fifteen minutes
or half an hour until she falls asleep and read my book. (interview 202)
Happiness of the
child
n = 3
12.5%
n = 7
20.0%
Well, when my child is smiling and happy. Because then I feel like that's kind of a signal that I'm proving
myself, right? (interview 212)
Observing
development
n = 6
25.0%
n = 19
54.3%
Well, the fact that I can see my child at all, who is developing, who is happy, well, it's just such a, it's a
nice feeling that, that I know that it's a piece of me, when we play, when he says a new word, well just
ordinary even such everyday things (interview 020)
Teaching the child
n = 1
4.2%
n = 6
17.1%
- That I can teach my child, my daughter, new things, watch how she develops, how she learns these new
things, how she copes superbly with various life situations, learns new things, gets to know, um, this is
probably what gives me the greatest joy at the moment (interview 211)
Nothing gives
pleasure
n = 8
33.3%
n = 0
0.0%
I have to say that I don't get any satisfaction out of it (interview 409)
45
Table 11
Please describe what kind of parent you are?
Regretting
parents
(n = 24)
Non-regretting
parents
(n = 35)
Example statements
Negative
image
n = 4
16.7%
n = 0
0.0%
- - The absent one. As soon as I could get back to work, I didn't care at all about getting home and so on. I would
generally come home late from work and I started to get comments from my partner that I spent too much time
at work and the baby didn't know me, and these comments repeated day after day only made me come home
later from work to make sure that he was already asleep and wouldn't make comments to me, and I would go
to bed peacefully (interview, -12)
Mixed
image
n = 12
50.0%
n = 12
34.3%
- I am certainly an impatient parent. But on the other hand, one that I think gives a lot of space for that
independence and for some of their own ideas, their own activities. So that's definitely it. But I get frustrated
quickly, when for some reason they don't want to cooperate with me, let's say (interview 030)
Positive
image
n = 9
33.3%
n = 23
65.7%
- Committed, responsible... I'm looking for the right word right now... dedicated... Well, yeah, I guess those are
the three things (interview 401)
46
Table 12
Have you had any experiences with your parents that have influenced the kind of parent you are??
Regretting
parents
(n = 23)
Non-regretting
parents
(n = 33)
Example statements
Negative
experiences in
the family of
origin
n = 13
56.5%
n = 6
18.2%
- - So many. My dad was choleric, he didn't hold back his words sometimes, and it stayed deep down, I always
said to myself, I don't want to be like that. And on the other hand, my mom, who never told me she loved me
or was proud of me, although, I was such an unhappy kid, who through, grade school, high school and
college, was always the best in school, so I won all, all the education awards, and I never heard from my
mom, that you're awesome, just, there was always something wrong (interview 026)
Mixed
experiences in
the family of
origin
n = 9
39.1%
n = 14
42.4%
I had a very, very good mother and a very bad father, so I'm trying to, like, replicate the patterns that I got
from my mother, and I'm trying to avoid the things that my father did, so I'm balancing somewhere between
those parental patterns that I got from my parents. We were under my mother's care all the time, also, it's
nice, she tried to interest us in different things, in nature, in math, and I never had any problems at school
because I was under my mother's care all the time. And my father? Well, at the beginning he was an
alcoholic, and at the beginning he tried to control it, but then, as the years went by, it got worse and worse
(interview 024)
Positive
experiences in
the family of
origin
n = 1
4.3%
n = 13
39.4%
Yes, I have that experience. First of all, the fact that they listened to me, every time, every time I came, with
any problem, even the smallest, they listened. To me, that's a huge example. So, it's cool, listening, listening
to the child just, not mocking, not belittling, just listening, listening and helping. They allowed me to
experience life. They didn't sit over me, yes, they told me what the dangers might be, what might happen,
but it was my decision and I made it. Once I was in elementary school, I had a very huge, so to speak,
universe of possibilities at that point of how I could behave and what I could do. They, they just accepted
what I did (interview 120)
47
Table 13
Do you think you will raise your children the same way your parents raised you?
Regretting
parents
(n = 24)
Non-regretting
parents
(n = 35)
Example statements
No
n = 16
66.7%
n = 13
37.1%
- I think no. I think I'm going to..., I think I'm going to emphasize other things, but I'm also facing other
things, I'm in a different situation, I'm facing other hardships, so I think this parenting is going to be different
to a significant degree (interview 405)
Some yes,
some no
n = 8
33.3%
n = 16
45.7%
- I think I'm going to be in the middle because simply, well times have changed, that's first of all. A lot of things
are not perceived the way they were perceived when I was born and raised, so that's mainly what influences it.
I will certainly take from some elements, and from some, well, as I said, which have been negatively perceived
in my memory, for sure not. (interview 410)
Yes
n = 0
0%
n = 6
17.1%
- Certainly yes, ninety percent close, because after all, I'm also different than my parents, so... But ninety
percent yes. (interview 120)
48
