Living with Suffering: Buddhist Wisdom Illustrated by a Widow

Abstract

Available literature, largely based on Western theories, investigates suffering from spousal loss, which can threaten an individual’s physical health and psychological well-being; however, limited studies examine how Buddhists overcome this difficulty. This case study, by in-depth semi-structured interviews, explores the lived experience of a Buddhist surviving spouse who underwent the sudden loss of her husband. Qualitative data were analysed by interpretative phenomenological analysis, with the aid of ATLAS.ti 7, a software package. In order to enhance the trustworthiness, peer analysis (inter-rater reliability=92%) and member-checking were adopted. Findings revealed that the bereaved Buddhist was living with feelings of guilt, but when she applied Buddhist wisdom, including the teachings of impermanence and cause-and-effect, hopes of a reunion in future lives due to the cycle of birth and death, living in the present moment, self-awareness, and strengthening capabilities to deal with afflictions, this widow could let the sense of guilt peacefully coexist with her being. Her living with suffering hints at tackling distress through a deeper understanding of the formation of the phenomenal world, and mind management, implying that Buddhist philosophy not only offers alternative views to interpret the continual relationship between survivors and the deceased, but also inspires helping professionals to extend the horizons of their therapeutic services.

Full text

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Living with Suffering: Buddhist Wisdom Illustrated by a Widow
Fung Kei Cheng
Hong Kong
Abstract
Available literature, largely based on Western theories, investigates suffering from spousal loss,
which can threaten an individual’s physical health and psychological well-being; however,
limited studies examine how Buddhists overcome this difficulty. This case study, by in-depth
semi-structured interviews, explores the lived experience of a Buddhist surviving spouse who
underwent the sudden loss of her husband. Qualitative data were analysed by interpretative
phenomenological analysis, with the aid of ATLAS.ti 7, a software package. In order to
enhance the trustworthiness, peer analysis (inter-rater reliability=92%) and member-checking
were adopted. Findings revealed that the bereaved Buddhist was living with feelings of guilt,
but when she applied Buddhist wisdom, including the teachings of impermanence and cause-
and-effect, hopes of a reunion in future lives due to the cycle of birth and death, living in the
present moment, self-awareness, and strengthening capabilities to deal with afflictions, this
widow could let the sense of guilt peacefully coexist with her being. Her living with suffering
hints at tackling distress through a deeper understanding of the formation of the phenomenal
world, and mind management, implying that Buddhist philosophy not only offers alternative
views to interpret the continual relationship between survivors and the deceased, but also
inspires helping professionals to extend the horizons of their therapeutic services.
Keywords: cause-and-effect, cycle of death and rebirth, grief and bereavement,
impermanence, karma, Mahāyāna, spousal loss

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Introduction
Grief, caused by the indelible loss of a beloved one, and indicating a permanent “loss of
relationship” (Nesse, 2005, p. 202), is one of the life’s major difficulties (Büchi et al., 2007;
Malkinson, 2010), in particular, sudden spousal loss (Kübler-Ross & Kessler, 2005; Khosravan,
Salehi, Ahmadi, Sharif, & Zamani, 2010). The death of a spouse is rated as the highest stressful
life event (Holmes & Rahe, 1967), yielding disruptive impacts on physical health (Eisma, 2015;
Ong, Fuller-Rowell, Bonanno, & Almeida, 2011), and it is accompanied by various levels of
emotional disorder symptoms (Bowlby, 1980; Chan et al., 2012; Chan et al., 2011; Hensley &
Clayton, 2013; Iglewicz, Seay, Vigeant, Jouhal, & Zisook, 2013; Karam, Tabet, & Itani, 2013;
Pies, 2013); for instance, anxiety and depression, especially in the female population
(DiGiacomo, Lewis, Nolan, Phillips, & Davidson, 2013; Mohamed, Elati, & Zaki, 2015),
whose daily functions are affected (Lund, Caserta, Utz, & De Vries, 2010; Richardson, 2010;
Shear, 2015).
Although grief and mourning vary from person to person (Hensley, 2008), these bereaved
individuals usually undergo four phases of mourning (Bowlby, 1980): numbness, searching for
the deceased, disorganisation, and re-organisation in order to cope with this adversity by
“reducing, mastering, and tolerating” (Stroebe, 2010, p. 274) the loss, thus achieving healthy
mourning (Hoppes & Segal, 2010). Grief, as part of the healing process (Cholette & Gephart,
2012), engenders disparate psychological reactions, including making sense of the loss
(Neimeyer, 2000), personal growth (Carnelley, Wortman, Bolger, & Burke, 2006; Yalom &
Lieberman, 1991), feelings of guilt, and continuing bonds with the deceased (Malkinson,
2010).
Forming a continuing bond (Bowlby, 1980) in order to maintain an engaged relationship for
any “unfinished business” (Kübler-Ross, 1997, p. 187) following the death of a beloved one
(Small, 2001) accents a coping strategy of mourning (Baker, 2001) to accept the reality of the
loss (Ronen et al., 2009), and its “adaptiveness” (Field, Gal-Oz, & Bonanno, 2003, p. 111).
However, there is an ongoing debate about continuing or relinquishing such bonds (Stroebe,
Schut, & Stroebe, 2005), which is associated with the process and strategy of tackling loss,
coping styles (Stroebe, 2010), values, and cultural influences (Ronen et al., 2009).
Religion, a method of healing wounds (Kübler-Ross, 1974; Ozorak, 1996) and reflecting
cultural values, offers solace to individuals who suffer from trauma (Seirmarco et al., 2011).
This helps to attain better psychological adjustment (Ross, Handal, Clark, & Wal, 2009), in
particular, bereavement rituals (Nwalutu, 2012) benefiting “restoration of functioning” (Shear,
2010, p. 358). While voluminous studies investigate how to deal with bereavement in Western
religions, such as Coleman, Ivani-Chalian, and Robinson (2004) for the aged, Flatt (1988) for

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grief counselling, and Pond (2012) for children, there is insufficient research from the
perspective of Eastern religions such as Buddhism which may have a different view on this
issue.
Buddhists possess emotions of grief (Kübler-Ross, 1981) such as guilt, regret, and anger, and
these can be caused by unresolved issues between the deceased and the survivor (Goss & Klass,
1997), for which caring practitioners have started studying grief and bereavement counselling
based on Buddhist resources, involving Japanese, Tibetan, and early Buddhism. Despite the
psychological interaction in which the survivor and the deceased hold a symmetrical power
through which to benefit or hurt each other (Klass & Goss, 1999), continuing the relationship
between the bereaved and the deceased remains a critically cultural concern among the
Japanese, as many of their customs are rooted in Buddhism (Bowman & Richard, 2003; Klass,
2001; McConnell, 1999). Moreover, ritual healing (Kwan, 2007) as one of the major tasks of
Buddhist priests (Kawamura, 2000; Nakasone, 2000) (for instance, funeral and ancestor rituals)
(Klass, 1996) is connected to blessing the deceased and leading the dead to a positive next life.
In contrast, Tibetan Buddhism aims to transcend grief (Goss & Klass, 1997), and “deconstruct
egocentric grasping” (Goss & Klass, 1997, p. 392) for self-soothing.
By comparing Buddhist psychology, and applying it to grief counselling in Western models,
aided by a case illustration and a reflection on group intervention, one study discussed the
concept of non-dualism (Kaori & Park, 2009) which might potentially be integrated into grief
counselling. Additionally, Chen (2000) formulates a grief counselling model, supported by a
passage about spousal loss in Āgama, one of the important collections of Theravāda, a Buddhist
denomination. The model involves bereavement events, reactions of grief, the counselling
process, and effectiveness, as explained by the four noble truths: suffering, cause of suffering,
ceasing of suffering, and path of ceasing of suffering respectively. Although this attempt
provides an alternative discussion for grief counselling, its focus on textual analysis restricts it
to a literary theoretical discourse, without support from personal narratives of the bereaved.
Since Buddhism is one of the three embedded religious faiths among the Chinese (Neuberger,
2005), further investigations into how Chinese Buddhists expunge misery towards the death of
a beloved one potentially contribute to the Chinese culture, influencing a large population. The
current research explores how a Chinese Buddhist relieved the feelings of guilt through
Buddhist principles during the bereavement of spousal loss. This has helped the informant to
be able to live with the distress, which may inspire diverse views for caring professionals who
deal with clients affected by grief and bereavement to consider.
Research Design
This exploratory research was approved by the Human Research Ethics Committee for Non-

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Clinical Faculties, The University of Hong Kong. It adopts a single case study, an empirical
inquiry (Yin, 1989), which examines real life (Soy, 1997) through a microscopic lens (Hamel,
Dufour, & Fortin, 1993), and achieves insight (Yin, 2003) through relatively new topics
(Eisenhardt, 1989; Nithsdale, Davies, & Croucher, 2008; Tellis, 1997; Tsoukas, 1989). The
participant, Pureté de Lotus (her dharma name), being recruited through electronic mail,
fulfilled the selection criteria, which included the following: first, she is a Buddhist; second,
she is a bereaved survivor; and lastly, she was emotionally stable during the interview process.
In this case study, semi-structured, in-depth interviews were conducted in Hong Kong and
recorded digitally. The verbatim transcriptions were analysed using interpretative
phenomenological analysis that explores the “sense of self” (Shinebourne & Smith, 2009, p.
164), subjective feelings and meaning of life of the insider (Clare, Rowlands, Bruce, Surr, &
Downs, 2008; Jackson & Coyle, 2009; Smith, 1996). The analysis process was aided by
ATLAS.ti 7, a computer-assisted programme. In order to enhance the research rigour, this
study adopted member-checking to ensure the accuracy of transcriptions and data interpretation
through an analysis map, and a co-analysis by two analysts (the principle researcher and a peer
analyst) coding separately and comparing the coding results, with a inter-rater reliability of
92%. One “super-ordinate theme” (Smith, Flowers, & Larkin, 2009, p. 107) (“living with
suffering”) emerged from five “emergent themes” (Smith et al., 2009, p. 91) (easing feelings
of guilt, thought transformation towards life and death, mourning rites, living in the present
moment and self-awareness, and developing capabilities).
Findings and Discussion: Living with Suffering
The Bereaved Buddhist
Pureté de Lotus (hereafter simply referred to as Lotus), a Chinese middle-aged social worker,
has been living in Hong Kong since her husband passed away. She met her husband on a
European tour, and after she married she stayed in France more than 10 years. Enjoying a
simple life there, she was eager to develop her spirituality and returned to Hong Kong study
Buddhism, something her husband also encouraged her to do. The couple stipulated a gradual
moving arrangement, in which Lotus went to Hong Kong first and her husband would follow,
taking a sabbatical leave to join her later. Lotus settled down smoothly and delighted in her
studies until one day in 2009 when she received a message about her husband’s sickness. She
immediately returned to France but found her husband doing well. This made her husband
agree to her leaving after a few days. However, she subsequently received heart breaking news
about her husband’s sudden death (due to latent aetiology) after returning to Hong Kong.
Lotus heavily blamed herself for missing her chance to be with her husband in his last days,
implicating herself in not keeping her marriage vow to look after him. This made her feel

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depressed, regretful, and guilty (Kübler-Ross & Kessler, 2005). Since she continued her
Buddhist studies, Lotus prudently managed her guilty feelings in trying to live with suffering
throughout the phases of her grief and bereavement. Being a Buddhist, she invoked such
insightful reactions towards her pain and regret by using Buddhist teachings along with her
coping strategies.
Buddhism
Buddhism was developed in India (Suzuki, 1938/1981b) 2,500 years ago by the Buddha, which
title refers to an enlightened person (Gethin, 1998). Its aim is annihilating distress (Conze,
1953), called perfect stillness, and attaining inner happiness. Mahāyāna, one of the
contemporary mainstreams of Buddhism, expounds on the suffering yielded by
misperception of the phenomenal world, and on freedom of affliction through mind
management (Suzuki, 1938/1981a). Mahāyāna doctrines elicit that sentient beings have to
manage their emotional reactions (the metaphorical illness) towards life’s challenges;
collectively termed attachment and vexations (Ng, 1994), from which they transfer challenges
as such to the assets of helping other people. Challenges are neutral, but uncontrollable and
non-autonomous. However, sentient beings can manipulate only their emotional and
psychological responses; therefore, they should not insistently try to alter their challenges,
which more heavily aggravate the frustrations they experience. Instead, they should calmly
see reality as it is and find ways to experience challenges positively, resulting in self
transformation. Lotus underwent this process incurred through her spousal loss, as detailed
below.
Living with Suffering
The metaphoric illness for Lotus refers to her emotional responses towards feelings of guilt
and grief, for which she adopted the strategies of easing her feelings of guilt, thought
transformation towards life and death, mourning rites, the here-and-now, and personal
development. Inspired by Buddhist teachings, such as impermanence, and cause-and-effect,
Lotus was able to prevail over her “illness” in a relaxed manner, by transforming her thoughts,
and continuing the relationship with her late husband spiritually through mourning rites,
remarking an achievement of “meaning management” (Wong, 2008, p. 66).
Easing feelings of guilt. Loss and guilty feelings always intertwine (Lamb, 1988), but guilt
implicitly accepts a personal responsibility for the misfortune (Doosje & Branscombe, 1998).
Lotus felt a compunction about not fulfilling her wedding pledge to stay beside her late husband
when he was sick. Her absence in the last phase of his life insinuated a personal failure in
loving him, and became unfinished business that she could never complete. During that time,
she was unable to look after herself.

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Time goes by but the hurt continues. Lotus was unwilling to return to the institute where she
studied Buddhism because the place marked a mental scar underscoring the loss of her beloved
husband. Within those years, her guilty feelings occasionally attacked her, provoking painful
regrets. Instead of avoiding the pain (Shear, 2010), she faced the bereavement, accepted “the
reality of the loss” (Carr & Jeffreys, 2011, p. 87), and frankly admitted her persistent feelings
of guilt, revealing:
“[The feelings of guilt] doesn’t increase. It may have reduced a little, at least I feel
so. [It] will appear, occasionally. But, … I won’t deliberately let the feelings of
guilt disappear. It’s still there. But, I can’t say it isn’t here, or lie to myself. … I
won’t feel guilty to the extent of committing suicide. … But, I can’t say I don’t have
[the guilty feelings], …”
Lotus had not considered whether or not she could remove her feelings of guilt, but had instead
learned to live with it (de Silva, 2012), coexisting with imperfection. Her disregard for negative
emotions towards her guilt pulled her to re-develop herself, but this did not interrupt her daily
life. Even though her feelings of guilt sometimes arose, for which she would cry and feel upset,
she accepted this wound as part of her life, which drove her to manage herself better.
“I also can let go gradually. Perhaps, [I] can’t ever let it go, then I don’t let it go. …
It (the feelings of guilt) doesn’t hinder my life. You sometimes think a little bit, will
feel, really not good, cry a little bit. Then, you feel this is part of your life. You
temporarily let it be. I think I don’t know how to let go. This is true. … Even I say
I have to let it go, but you still feel something is not good. There is still a scar. …
Perhaps, it is difficult to ask myself not to feel guilty when [I] feel guilty. Therefore,
it is better to do something positive.”
Her acceptance of these guilty feelings made Lotus reduce her resistance to face the distress.
When she admitted her misfortune, she was able to manage the feelings, which released her
from the emotional reactions towards her guilt through Buddhist wisdom. The reasons for this
achievement were related to thought transformation and emotional ventilation through
mourning rites.
Thought transformation towards life and death. Having experienced her spousal loss, Lotus
viewed life and death differently based on Buddhist philosophy, such as impermanence, and
cause-and-effect, through which she could cope with bereavement.
Life is impermanent, and powerlessly controlled (Long, 1975), for which Lotus had a strong
feeling of uncertainty, which explains that all beings are transient and temporal, including
herself. She realised her non-autonomy. Despite capriciousness occurring across life that

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never be predicted, Lotus learned to attain an ordinary mindset in order to accept the
consequences as long as she had done her utmost to carry out her own plans. Hence, she was
worry-free and lived with success and failure, or gratification and frustration.
Furthermore, Lotus interpreted her situation as being that her marriage had originated from her
previous lives in which her husband owed her and thus loved her in this life for compensation,
or vice versa, eliciting her understanding of cause-and-effect and the cycle of death and rebirth:
“[It] may be a previous cause. … This is the cycle of cause-and-effect. Maybe, he
did something bad to me in the past, and so I do something bad to him now. …
Perhaps, he owed me in our previous lives, and so he had to repay me in this life.
[He] owed me something. This is the mutual benefit between cause and effect. …
Was it that he treated me badly in the past, or I treated him badly? What was it like
to be bad or not bad?”
Lotus also perceived cause-and-effect as an opportunity in which the loss prepared them for
their reunion in a future life (Conant, 1996) caused by the cycle of death and rebirth, which
energised her to look after herself and do something good for her late husband in order to take
advantage of this opportunity, accounting for it like this:
“Perhaps, it’s paving a path and planting a cause for the next life. I need to do more
for him in my next life. … I think I need to cultivate some good causes. … I hope
to plant more positive seeds, and hope that they will help us meet in the future. That
is, we believe we have future lives, the cycle of birth and death, recycling. I also
hope to meet him.”
These notions of interdependence and inter-affinity reveal that life and death are unnecessarily
antagonistic but may hint at something ahead. With insight into the unity of life and death
(death is the inception of the next life), Lotus gradually alleviated her grief and optimistically
began creating favourable conditions for her desire to meet her husband again in a future life,
relating:
“Accepting the interconnection of life and death … [There is] no coming, no going.
Which is the cause? Which is the consequence? That is, they are intertwined. I
won’t grieve so much for my husband’s leaving. Perhaps, there is a cause missing
somewhere. Another factor will create better conditions elsewhere.”
Lotus positively interpreted impermanence and cause-and-effect, according to the Buddhist
connotations, embracing the opportunities to continue their marriage in a future life striving to
take care of herself better.

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Mourning rites. Mourning rites offer mourners the opportunity to alleviate complex emotions
after the loss of a loved one and then reintegrate into the community (Bowker, 1997). Using a
variety of “mourning aids” (Weinbach, 1989, p. 58), Lotus sensed her inner feelings related to
continuing her bonds with the deceased through this ritualistic performance (Aguilar & Wood,
1976). She treasured a spiritual connection with her late husband more than the physical
liaison, valuing that spiritual connection as long-lasting without geographical constraints, thus
delineating:
“Our relationship also has its beautiful side. It’s also perfectly halted at an
appropriate time. I’m not saying it’s an end. We stopped at some point in time, and
I also feel there is still a certain spiritual connection between us. That is, apart from
love, the connection is spiritual.”
The spiritual connection was realised through tracing her late husband’s past experiences with
which Lotus might not be as familiar. She returned to France and visited places her husband
had been to before in order to retrieve sweet memories, retain an impression of the days in
which they had been united, and discover all his old stories that were new to her, as if she were
in fact following him, recalling:
“We were married for a long time. We were united as one. Splitting up needs time.
Recently, for the stories he told me, I paid a visit, browsed in Paris. This left me
with a deep impression. … I felt I wanted to trace his footprints … It was some very
romantic feeling – that I could fall in love with him again. … I tried to know him
again, locate his footprints. … So I then went to places he had visited. Would he
have left any revelation for me?”
Also, Lotus shared her mourning rites with her husband’s friends by gathering them to practise
Tai-chi in front of his picture, displaying his friends’ works of photography, and joining a
marathon, illustrating that the more open she was to the memories, the greater opportunities
she had to deal with grief and bereavement (Rubin, 1998). This not only showed respect to the
deceased, but also converted Lotus’s sorrow into energy; and more importantly, touched him
spiritually as she could subjectively feel.
Although Lotus kept her husband’s effects for a long period of time, the possession of them
maintained memories about them as a couple (Kübler-Ross & Kessler, 2005), and she finally
decided to dispose of them. This process was a ritual for her, in which she struggled with the
decision to burn these items. It marked an ambivalence towards spiritual and physical
connections that she grasped, remembering:
“This year, I eventually burnt his stuff. … [I brought] his old stuff to a friend’s house

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to burn it. … Reluctant, reluctant! When burning, [I] felt this one piece can’t be
burnt, so [I] kept it again. It would be pity if it were burnt! ... It is also a small ritual.
I feel it’s good for him and me, [because of which he would have a good next life].”
Instead of being encapsulated in a “trauma membrane” (Catherall, 1986, p. 474) to avoid
painful memories of the traumatic event, Lotus combated her vulnerability and transformed
grief into motivation (Goss & Klass, 1997; Park & Halifax, 2011), resulting in enrichment of
her life through adversities by living in the present moments and self-awareness, and by
developing other capabilities. This transformation stemmed from her knowing self loving-
kindness, by which she experienced Buddhist wisdom in theory, practice, and spirituality,
bearing witness that religion contributes to self transformation (Ullman, 1989). She affirmed
that:
“Buddhism helps me. … I think it’s a search for spiritual soothing, a search for
spirituality.”
Living in the present moment and self-awareness. Lotus, as a Buddhist devotee, realised the
essence of Buddhist wisdom, in particular, the here-and-now, and self-awareness.
Concentrating on the present moment, she neither binged on remembering her husband and the
loss, nor felt anxious about her single life. Through this practice, she was able to understand
impermanence more deeply, including the uncontainable reality, through which understanding
she reduced her grief, and the complaints regarding her doleful experience. In addition, she
strengthened her sensitivity to her emotional changes and psychological needs. Thus, she did
not deny her vulnerability, but instead overcame her sense of helplessness by taking on deep
breathing, chanting, reciting canons, or imaging a bodhisattva (a person who is dedicated
her/himself to altruism), reiterating that:
“Learning Buddhism is to live in the present moment, to rely on oneself, to have
one’s own awareness. … Sometimes I feel upset because our (she and her late
husband) relationship was very good. … When [I] am sad, I will breathe, take deep
breaths, and leave sadness to the present moment. This helps me to release the
pressure. … But in helpless situations, you still need to … chant scriptures.
Sometimes, this helps a little bit. … I recite the Heart Sutra. Do these things. Bring
Kuan-yin (a bodhisattva) to mind. This is also enhancement, protection.”
Developing capabilities. Lotus, as if she had been reborn through “lessons of loss” (Neimeyer,
2002, p. 940), became stronger in coping with her bereavement as well as more independent.
She had to rely on herself, declaring that this loss brought her to re-develop her capability of
coping with difficulties, looking after herself, and attempting new things (Bennett, Gibbons, &
Suzanna, 2010), for example, riding a bicycle – something she did not know how to do before.

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A significant reason for her happiness is the good journey she anticipated towards her late
husband’s next life (Goss & Klass, 1997):
“In the past, I relied on my husband. But now I can’t rely on him, and I find
someone else or myself to rely on. … Death has brought me a lot. For instance, it
has made me learn some new skills. For example, at that time, I regretted not riding
a bicycle with him. … But now I can ride a bicycle in down town, ride a mountain
bike, and try many new things …”
Advancing greater personal growth after loss and traumatic distress (Davis & McKearney,
2003; Harms & Talbot, 2007; Joseph, 2009; Pals & McAdams, 2004), often termed post-
traumatic growth (Currier, Mallot, Martinez, Sandy, & Neimeyer, 2013; Tallman, Shaw,
Schultz, & Altmaier, 2010), particularly in women (Büchi et al., 2009), Lotus treasured
suffering and impermanence (Goss & Klass, 1997), from which she felt enlightened, attaining
life meaning (Carr & Jeffreys, 2011; Goss & Klass, 1997; Katz, 2001) and consequently
“resolving grief [which starts] by accepting the reality of grief” (Goss & Klass, 1997, p. 387).
Practical Implications
This case study reveals four practical implications, involving non-dualism, religious coping,
reunion in a future life, and limitations and future research directions.
Non-Dualism
Dualism is a habitual thought model for sentient beings, forming either/or patterns (Cheng,
2014c); for instance, the choice to accept/reject, which compels individuals to struggle with
the two extremes, thereby creating resistance, disapproval, and the tension of choosing
correctly. This pressure invokes anxiety that negatively impacts mental health, especially for
survivors who have experienced the loss of a loved one.
In spite of assuaging grief over time (Rubin & Schechter, 1995), working through distress is
difficult (Schick, 2011). Psychological, family, and social support for the bereaved are
indispensable (Carr, 2010; Davies, 2011) during this process of change (Yalom & Sophia,
1988). However, a continuing relationship with the dead is always desirable to the survivor,
which may really disrupt the daily functioning of the bereaved for a longer period of time.
Renouncing the “relocation of the deceased” (Stroebe et al., 2005, p. 62) is therefore proposed,
through loosening the bonds in order to reduce grief while maintaining the continuation
psychologically. In contrast, encouraging the bereaved to “construct new biographies of the
living and the dead” (Klass & Goss, 1999, p. 552) enables the survivor to clarify hesitations
(Kaplan, 2014), enrich the meaning of his/her future life (Field et al., 2003) and transform grief

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into self autonomy and personal growth (Field, 2010; Khosravan et al., 2010).
In the context of the above debate, this study addresses an alternative, that is, the idea of neither
intentionally maintaining nor surrendering the bonds between the bereaved and the deceased
(Kaori & Park, 2009), thus relinquishing this dualistic choice (Wright, 2012). When Lotus
surrendered the choice between “guilt-proneness” (Flynn & Schaumberg, 2012, p. 125) and
guilt avoidance, she overcame her emotional responses to the misfortune, and learned to live
with her regret. This leaves another option for counsellors who deal with clients struggling
with self-blame.
Religious Coping
Previous studies indicate a positive correlation between religious coping and trauma (Gerber,
Boals, & Schuettler, 2011), and mental health (Behere, Das, Yadav, & Behere, 2013; Kvande,
Klöckner, Moksnes, & Espnes, 2015). However, religious coping does not necessarily present
a lot of rituals, usually utilising only the funeral ceremony. Instead, personal artefacts (Riches
& Dawson, 1998) and the continuation of their common social networks are also emotional
props, from which Lotus re-gained a “romanticism” (Katz, 2001, p. 272) and created spiritual
companionship (Baker, 2001). This study raises a cultural concern (Koca-Atabey & Öner-
Özkan, 2014) and reports a variety of religious coping strategies originating from the social
activities and personal interests of the deceased, also offering references for bereavement
counselling.
Reunion in a Future Life
Hope substantiates victims to live on (Kübler-Ross, 1969). The hope of reunion in a future life
was the result of Lotus’s “optimistic explanatory style for negative events” (Ho, Chu, & Yu,
2008, p. 473) through the teachings of impermanence, cause-and-effect, and the cycle of death
and rebirth (Cheng, 2015b), so that she accepted her husband’s passing away, and learned to
enjoy the present moment (Fawcett, 2013) with self-loving-kindness. This significant idea
from the survivor dimension urges counsellors not only to non-judgementally listen to their
clients (Wang, 2007) but also to facilitate them to live well without the deceased (Worden,
1991). However, counsellors prevent clients from mistakenly creating superstitious hope.
Limitations and Future Research Directions
This case study presents the personal experience of a Buddhist survivor, which supplies an in-
depth narrative that does not aim for generalisation. However, it reveals insight into tackling
self-blame through Buddhist teachings, which may invite further discussions on how to apply
these ideas to non-Buddhists. Moreover, Mahāyāna involves twofold: first, self healing and

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transformation; and second, mutually-benefiting altruism, which was previously translated as
“self-benefiting altruism” (Cheng, 2014a, pp. 141-146; 2014b, pp. 359-365; 2014d, pp. 79-83;
Cheng, 2015a, pp. 206-207; Cheng, 2015b, pp. 286-287; 2015c, pp. 41-42; Cheng & Tse,
2014a, p. 34). This study focuses on the areas of healing effects while future research is
suggested on how Buddhist altruistic behaviour can be conducive to dealing with grief and
bereavement.
Conclusion
This single case study explores how a Buddhist survivor can cope with guilt springing from
spousal loss, and how this widow experienced self transformation through living with suffering
from the Buddhist perspective. The participant is able to live peacefully with her regret and
retain an interconnectedness with the deceased via various mourning rites, self-awareness,
living in the here-and-now, and strengthening personal capabilities, resulting in converting
frustration and adversities into energy and motivation, all of which give potential avenues to
explore for grief and bereavement counselling. This research also proposes future directions
towards application of Buddhist wisdom to non-Buddhists dealing with psychological trauma
incurred by spousal loss.

!
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Acknowledgements: I particularly thank Pureté de Lotus, who shared her experience with me
and allowed me to use her dharma name in this manuscript. I also appreciate Dr Sandra Tsang,
Dr Wei Rui Xiong, and an anonymous translator for their assistance; Dr Xin Shui Wang for his
comments on the earlier draft of this work; and Professor Samson Tse, who supervised this
project.
Remark: This manuscript is developed from the conference paper Cheng and Tse (2014b)
“Just eliminate the illness; Do not eliminate dharmas”: A case study on the lived experience
of a Buddhist surviving spouse, which was published in the conference proceedings of the 4th
Asian Conference on Psychology and the Behavioural Sciences (pp. 41-58), March 27-30,
2014, Osaka, Japan.
Email Fung Kei Cheng: oasischeng@yahoo.com